Life of a shy bad guy'
Episode 15
Jona: omo see wahala
Jona went straight to the pastor.
Jona: ehen, na me be this
Pastor: did you know that what you are doing is wrong
Jona: what? I don’t understand
Pastor: the lord is warning you for the last time
Jona: get out jor, na because I come your church na.
All the people in the church were very surprised at Jona’s
response especially those standing near to him, some even tried to stop him
from speaking but he rant on.
Jona: you think say I don’t know all your secrets (hissed)
make I the go my house self. (kelvin who was standing not very far from him was
mouth agape. ‘’This guy chop liver well well ooo’’. He thought
Jona: Kelvin, stand there and be looking, come make we go
jor. All eye were on Kelvin, this made him feel embarrassed, he bent his head
and followed Jona at a distance.
Pastor: bird of the same feather
Kelvin was very annoyed but he tried not to show it.
When they came outside.
Kelvin: guy you know say you furk up ba
Jona: I no furk up for anything forget that pastor he think
say I no know his secrets
Kelvin: chai, but you gather liver ooo, see as all eye were
on you.
Jona: I the form Tupac na.
Kelvin: ok I remember, all eye on me. But next time take am
easy nah, na God servant you just confront ooh.
Jona: deh there the speak English na, who God servant epp. I
fit even bleep that im daughter weh too like dick self.
Kelvin: seems you know a lot about this pastor ooh
These conversation was going on when they saw one of their course
mate, she was a tall girl with nice shape you know what I mean.
Jona did not hesitate
to call her.
Jona: fine gal how far
Kate: I deh oo, na church una the commot from
Kelvin: no, na mosque (surprised at his own response).
Kate: but you guys are carrying bible
Both looked at their hands. ‘’oh, we don’t even know say we
carry bible self’’.
Kate: you guys are funny
Jona: really
Kate: where are you guys heading to now
Kelvin: we are going ho……..
Jona: (cut in) going home ke, we deh go lovers park (this is
where student come to hang out with their friends)
Kate: I see, that is cool, I mean nice. Can I join you guys
(eyeing kelvin).
Kelvin (in his mind): werey
Jona: yes join us, it will be fun
They flagged down a car, they told the driver their
destination and they zoomed off. In the car. Jona was sitting at the front
while Kelvin and Kate was sitting at the back.
Kate rested her hand on Kelvin’s lap, Kelvin was about
saying ‘’what is the meaning of this’’ but the word refused to come out. In his
mind ‘’na church your nigga commot from ooo’’.
He just sat there silently with his heart pounding heavily,
feeling nervous every time he is with a girl, this time the case was worse for
him. He is not only seating with a girl, but the girl is resting her hand on
his lap giving him a tough time. he almost fall sick immediately. He felt like
crying.
Kate who was looking at him seductively because of his
handsomeness, noticed that he is not comfortable.
Kate: what is the matter (she whispered)
Kelvin; eeeeh………. No……th…ing (he stammered)
Kate: no you are worried, talk to me
Kelvin: just that am feeling a slight headache (he managed
to speak out)
Kate: oh sorry, you can lay your head on my shoulder or
better still on my lap
Kelvin: no I can’t do that
Kate: why? that will give you some relief, you never can
tell.
Kelvin gave it a second thought. He lay his head on Kate’s
lap.
Kelvin (in his mind) omo see softness
After some minutes Kate ask him how he was feeling, he
replied that he is feeling a little bit better.
Kate: I told you that it will give you some relief
Kelvin: you put medicine for your lap ni (he blurted out).
Kate: hahaha (she laughed hard). Medicine ke
Jona: which kain drama una deh there the act like this. (he
turned back to see Kelvin’s head on Kate’s lap. ‘’omo na your pillow you find ni’’
Kate: please make the guy rest, he said that he is having a
slight headache
Jona: yes me self, am having a terrible headache, driver
wait make I go sit for back (he joked)
Kate: even if you come back I no get too lap, go find
another lap (she joked)
Jona; ehen (he chuckled) kelvin how your head the be na, e
deh pain you too much again.
Kelvin: the pain don the reduce small small
Jona: chai
Kelvin: guy why the ‘’chai’’ na.
Jona: nothing
A call came in. it was for Kate
Kate: hello, Funke
Funke: how your matter be na, I deh the wait make you come
make we go parole you never show
Kate: me, I deh go lover park like this oo
Funke: ehen na like that ba, you no inform me
Kate: you no fit come
Funke: make I dress up I go jam road now now, you know wetin
your girl fit do na
Kate: see your aproko mouth talking like an aprokogirl
Funke: I deh show there now now
Kate: till you show na
They arrived at the park and all of them come out of the
car, Jona was about to pay the driver, but he was interrupted by Kate.
Kate: forget make I pay the guy
Jona: ehen (in his mind) ‘’omo, the show down set now’’
(winking at Kelvin). He was especting a smile but Kelvin twisted his mouth in
mockery instead.
Jona: e be like say that your head ache still deh ooo
Kelvin: abeg free me joh
Kate counted the money and gave it to the driver and told
the driver to leave the change. The driver started hailing her.
Driver: madam na God go bless you ooo, your pickin go fine
well well, if na boy e go fine like this boy here (pointing at Kelvin).
Kate: Amen, Amen and Amen.
Kelvin (in his mind) chai, this driver self, money fit make
im speak wetin he no suppose speak oo, see im brown teeth. (chuckled).
Kate held Kelvin’s hand and Kelvin was like ‘’make the
ground open and swallow me’’. He was damn nervous. Pulling his feet was a very
difficult issue for him.
Kelvin: guy make I no go fall hand ooo (he thought).
Jona: ehen na like that ba
Kate: wetin (she knew what Jona was talking about)
Jona: me I know get hand for you to hold abi
Kate: you no be my boo na
Kelvin: which day that one start na (he was about to say
this, but he couldn’t).
Jona: why I no bring my girl na.
They were inside the hall and what Kelvin saw was wow, they
were many people in there with their lovers, some were dancing and some were
just talking and laughing.
Kelvin felt like all eye where on him because he can sense
that almost of the girls were starring at him. ‘’my handsomeness don reach this
level weh girls the stare at me like this’’ he thought. Kate did not give him a
little space, she was looking at the girls showing them that Kelvin is taken.
Giving them the ‘’guy na my own look’’.
They locate a table and sat down not quiet too long, Funke
the girl that called Kate earlier surfaced.
Funke: ah see her, werey, other something na make we shayooo
Kate: see you self come sit don jor, you no even sit yet you
the talk about shayoo
Funke: who get this fine bobo na
Jona: no body really get me yet, am single …… (he was about
to finish his speech when he was cut interrupted
Funke: am talking about this bobo (pointing at Kelvin). Jona
just scratched his head ‘’omo, the girl the form hard to get, no worry I go jam
you just now ‘’ he thought.
Funke unlike her friend was not tall but have a nice shape
too, you can call the shape figure eight or figure nine self, she was dark in
complexion, when I say dark in complexion I mean she is black like charcoal.
But she is a black beauty which at a glance at her can make a guy drool.
Kate: na my bobo na, I yoff the guy die
Funke: chai, e don reach this level.
Jona: ehen, how are you doing na (trying to ensued a
conversation)
Funke: I deh fine oo
Jona: which course you the study
Funke: Theatre Art
Jona: chai na all these spoilt rat (he mumbled)
Funke: what do you say
Jona: oh, I mean, that is a very good course, I applied for
it first but my mark no merit, that is why am studying another course
Kelvin who has being quiet all these while, cannot let it go
like that his time. ‘’chayeeeee’’ in Patience Jonathan’s voice .
Jona: wetin the make you chayeee na
Kelvin: nothing ooo, just observing.
After a while Funke and Jona were getting along because
Funke like funny people who can make her laugh and that was what Jona used in
getting her.
Jona: so do you know how to dance
Funke; yes ooo to dance the hungry me
Jona: like seriously (twisting his face funnily)
Funke (laughing) yes oo make we hit the ground na
They stood up and headed to the dancing floor. They danced
to Mr. Real’s ‘’Legbegbe’’.
Kate: make we too go dance na
Kelvin: I no fit dance yet
Kate: your headache still deh
Kelvin: no, I don’t feel like dancing.
Kate: ok feel comfortable with me dear
Kelvin was moved, ‘’make this girl no know say I the shy
ooo, chai, I don cast’’.
On the dance floor. Funke was twerking very hard and Jona
was not slacking dancing along with her, feeling every bit of her body on him.
‘’we just wanna party, we don’t wanna hurt no body’’ he sang along with Wande
Coal’s ‘’Iskaba’’. They continued like this for a long time.
They sat down finally to drink.
Jona: my guy you no the drink
Kelvin: no, I no the take alcohol
Kate: are you serious
Kelvin: yes
Jona: guy forget that thing just take a sip
Funke: big boy like you no sabi shayooo,abi na small boy I
deh see so
Kelvin who hate being referred to as a small boy picked a
bottle gulping it down, this was hurting him
Jona: guy easy oo.
They drink from one bottle to another until they finished
two crates by this time it was already evening time.
They were staggering to get to where they will board a car
to take them to their destination. What helped them is that, Kate was not drunk
she was just sipping while the rest were drinking their stupor.
She lead them out to where they will board the car. After
some minutes a car was coming their direction and she flagged it down and they
all sat down. The first house they will come to is Kate and Funke’s house, so
she told to the driver to stop as soon as they came to the house.
Jona: we don reach (drunkenly)
Kate helped Funke out. Funke went inside staggering,
slumping on the bed. Kate closed the door and went back into the car.
And the driver zoomed off again
They came to Jona’s house and Jona came down.
Jona (mumbling) come spend the night with me na
Kate: no, good night
Kate entered the car
again, now they were heading to Kelvin’s house. After a some minutes
they arrived at Kelvin’s house the driver was speeding due to this late hour.
Kate paid the driver and thank him for his kind gesture
towards them.
He helped Kelvin to his door.
Kate: where your key deh
Kelvin: my pocket
Kate: put her hand to his pocket and carried the key
She opened the door and Kelvin went inside, he was about
lying down when he vomited on the bed.
After some time Kelvin came back to his normal senses.
Kelvin: you no go home
Kate: I no wan live you for gutter
Kelvin: what do you mean I fall for gutter.
Kate: no (she picked the bed sheet and replaced it with
another one.
Kelvin was looking at her and he was having different
thought. ‘’guy chillax today na Sunday oo’’. He thought.
Kate: can I use your bathroom
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