Praise the Lord, the pastor shouted.
Halleluiah, the congregation responded with a loud voice.
Pastor: welcome my fellow Christians, our sermon today is
‘’fornication is not good’’
So, if you are a child of God deviate from this act because
it will destroy both your body and soul.
Let get down to this now. Halleluiah he shouted.
Amen, response from the congregation.
Kelvin: the shout amen na
Jona: wetin
Pastor: Amen
Congregation: Amen
The pastor went on with his sermon, Jona was already nodding
off, Kelvin hit him on the head
Jona: guy chillax na, person no fit sleep in peace again.
Kelvin: na your father parlour ni
The church runs three service, they have holy ghost time,
offering and tithe preaching and the last sermon.
It was time for holy ghost time service and a lady walked in
stylishly.
Jona: omo see hooku
Kelvin: your matter weak me oo, preaching deh since you
sleep na weh you don girl your face don clear
Jona: she the come here, guy package yourself, no go loose
guard
Kelvin was feeling shy now because he can’t look girls
straight in the face. Omo yawa don burst, he thought because the girl was
coming to sit on the chair next to him.
Kelvin: make we exchange chair (feeling nervous)
Jona: no sit down there, na you go yarn am today
Kelvin: abeg na, na church be dis ooo
Jona: about the film I told you yesterday you are about to
watch it
Kelvin: which film n…….. (he was about to complete what he
was saying when the girl sat down).
What? Kelvin nearly said it out. Sighting the fleshy lap of
the lady. The girl was actually wearing a mini skirt, the type that when a girl
is walking she will be adjusting a hundred times.
Kelvin stole a glance at Jona.
Jona smiled and stared at it not minding what the other
members might say or think.
He whispered into Kelvin’s hear.
Jona: o boy na that film weh I the talk about
Kelvin: I swear you the craze (almost laughing)
Jona: for church again, you the insult get behind me satan
Kelvin: ehen so you know say we deh church and you are busy
looking at fleshy laps.
Jona: omo, stop talking and enjoy your film
Kelvin: may God help you
Jona: No, may God help both of us
Pastor: they are some of you hear you can’t received the
holy ghost because of your filthy minds, make your ways straight with God, for
all sinners, all fornicators are going to hell.
Jona: wetin that nigger for stage the yarn like this na,
make church close make I yarn this girl
Kelvin: shuu, you no the fear God
The holy ghost stuff finished, it was time for tithe and
offering
The person handling tithe came out and preach non-stop about
tithe, the benefits and the curse accompanying those who did not pay tithe.
Jona: ogbeni do commot joh, I be team Daddyfreeze, who tithe
epp
Those sitting around that place turned to look at Jona. Jona
didn’t feel any iota of shame and these baffles Kelvin who cant look at a
person straight in the face, but here sit his friend which many eye is peering
and he is feeling like nothing just happen.
Kelvin: see as you deh make people look us like say we steal
their money
Jona: gather liver joh, fear fear boy
Those who have their tithe paid theirs
It was now time for offering, the offering coordinator mount
the stage.
But he did not spend too much time preaching about offering
before, they started singing and beating drums, members danced to the front to
put their offering in the offering box.
Kelvin was expecting them to pass the box round, he hate
doing that because he can’t bear having to wait for a person dancing in front
of him. Jona stood and started dancing.
Jona: you no get money, abi wetin
Kelvin: I get, I no wan go help me put the money in the box
for me biko
Jona: no be only biko stand up make we go
Kelvin: abeg pls
Jona: shy shy, stand make we dance to the front if your luck
shine you fit deh for back of girl sef
Kelvin: chai, for church again they is God
Jona: stand make we go (dragging him up)
Kelvin (feeling embarrassed): guy e be like say you don
engage in Science Student things oo free me joh (pulling back Jona’s hand)
Kelvin stood up reluctantly ‘’omo see crowd, my shirt the
squeeze I no iron nam, which kain wahala be dis, they go the stare at me now’’.
He thought.
Jona was dancing wildly, and Kelvin on the other side was
losing his patience.
Kelvin: guy commot now my front na, see as you the embarrass
yourself here.
Jona: guy dance to the Lord, the lord is good
Kelvin: hypocrite (he almost shouted)
Jona: omo watch film na (pointing to a girl dancing shaku
shaku)
Kelvin: chai for church again, this church holy ooo
Jona: you never see anything yet
Jona: omo see pastor with legbegbe movement
Kelvin: this church no be here ooo too much of film scene
Jona: hahaha (laughing): your head don correct
Kelvin: e never correct before
It take them long to get to the offering box because of the
population of the church.
In front of the offering box a guy of 20 years old brought
out his money, but unfortunately what he brought out was a condom and it felled
down
People around him shouted ‘’ehhhhh’’
Jona: oga pick your thing na, e no matter even pastor self
the bleep
Crowd ‘’ehhhhhh’’
Jona: wetin be eh eh eh na lie I talk
The guy picked his thing, put his offering in the box and
went to sit down
Jona: ehen correct guy e no even send anybody if na this my
guy now e go the shake like woman (referring to Kelvin)
Kelvin: ok that your guy ba
Jona: I deh talk about you
Pastor: you come here (pointing at Jona)
0 Comments